§10 · 21 tips

Is dating and marriage worth it?

Should you cast a wide net or commit to one person, can a long-distance relationship work, and what do you bring to register a marriage?

Tips from this section that apply in the United States.

Meet more people instead of fixating on one: whether two people click can't be predicted before they meet

In two speed-dating studies, people filled in questionnaires of more than 100 items about what they look for in a partner before they met. The questionnaires could only work out who tends to like others in general and who tends to be popular in general. They could not work out whether these two particular people would click. You only find out whether you click by meeting. So getting to know a few more people is a better bet than staking everything on one.

Moderate value
Evidence A
Saves time

Stop once the other person has clearly refused; continuing to pester is a public security violation, not "sincerity"

If the other person has clearly said no and you still send messages or wait for them, it has been a public security violation since January 2026. It can bring detention of up to 5 days (拘留) or a fine of up to 1,000 CNY. In more serious cases, detention of 5 to 10 days. The police can also order you to stay away from the person, and breaking that order brings another 5 to 10 days of detention.

Moderate value
Evidence A
Keeps you free

To tell whether someone is interested, look at behavior and not "signals": who initiates, who arranges, who follows up

52 pairs of strangers of the opposite sex chatted for ten minutes or so, and then each judged whether the other was flirting. People were fairly accurate at judging that "the other person is not flirting," but could hardly tell when "the other person is flirting." With 261 people judging from videos, the conclusion was the same. So don't guess from expressions and tone. Look at behavior: who starts things, who arranges the next meeting, and whether the other person follows up when you don't push.

Moderate value
Evidence B
Saves time
Disputed

Whether a relationship is good depends mainly on how you feel in it, not on the other person's credentials

What best tells you whether a relationship is good is your own feeling, not the other person's credentials. For example, whether you feel they are serious about you, whether they appreciate you, and how much the two of you argue. Your own feeling predicts better than your partner's account by 2 to 4 times. But whether the relationship gets better or worse from here, no questionnaire can really work out.

Moderate value
Evidence A
Saves time

To get closer, take turns answering a set of questions that go from light to deep; don't learn lines

Two strangers took turns answering 36 questions that go from light to deep, and after 45 minutes they felt much closer than people who just chatted for the same time. What works is taking turns telling the truth and going a layer deeper each time, not clever lines. This shows only that they felt closer at that moment, not that it grows into a long-term relationship.

Moderate value
Evidence B
Saves time

A long-distance relationship is no worse than living in the same city; the real hurdle is the first three months after moving in together

Long distance is actually more stable while you are apart, because you see each other less and it is easy to think the other person is better than they really are. The real hurdle comes after you move in together. In the follow-up data, about half of the long-distance couples reached the same-city stage, and the other half ended while still apart. Of the half that reunited, one-third broke up within 3 months.

Moderate value
Evidence B
Saves time

Count the health benefits of marriage, but discount them because the data are observational

Married people have about 12% lower odds of dying in the same period than unmarried people, and people who have never married have about 24% higher odds than married people. But these are only two things appearing together, not marriage doing the work. People who are already healthy, high-earning and socially connected are both more likely to marry and more likely to live long. The figures come mostly from Europe and America, so for China treat them only as an order of magnitude.

Moderate value
Evidence A
Buys life
Disputed

Count the time cost as unpaid work, and agree on the division of labor before you register

In the national time-use survey, unpaid work such as housework and caring for and keeping company with family members takes men an average of 1 hour 52 minutes a day and women 3 hours 29 minutes. The survey did not group people by whether they were married, so there is no official figure for "how much more housework comes with marriage," and this gender gap can only serve as an upper-bound reference. The division of labor can be worked out differently before you register.

High value
Evidence A
Saves time

Get a premarital checkup, and a serious illness must be truthfully disclosed to the other person before registration

If you have a serious illness and did not truthfully tell the other person before registration, the other person can ask the court to annul the marriage. It must be requested within one year of learning of it. The checkup itself has not been a precondition for getting the certificate since 2003, and going is voluntary. The cost depends on local policy, and it takes half a day.

Moderate value
Evidence B
Buys life

Keep a separate account for "marrying for your elders," and don't mix it with your own

The benefit to your elders, meaning peace of mind, face and an end to the nagging, is real. But it does not automatically turn into a health benefit or relationship quality for you. And the three accounts of time, money and the cost of getting out are all borne by you. If you write two columns on paper and separate which gains go to you and which to your elders, you can see at a glance whether the account adds up.

Moderate value
Evidence C
Saves time

Treat the quality of a relationship as a health account: argue about the issue, not the person, and don't insult or sneer

Couples with good relationships are somewhat healthier and have somewhat lower risk of death. The link is small, about as large as the link between diet and health. In one experiment, couples who stayed hostile during an argument healed the small wounds made in the experiment at only 60% of the speed of couples who stayed calm.

Moderate value
Evidence B
Buys life

Don't marry while hiding your sexual orientation, and don't treat a marriage in name only (形婚) as a convenient shortcut: legally it is a real marriage, and the only way out is divorce

Marrying while hiding your sexual orientation is neither void nor annullable in law, and the only way out is divorce. A marriage in name only (形婚) is also a real marriage, and the money earned and debts incurred after the wedding are treated as the couple's. The deceived side can ask at divorce for a larger share of property and compensation for emotional harm, but whether the courts will support this is not settled.

Moderate value
Evidence A
Saves money

If your relationship is stuck in repeated fights and cold silences, go to couples therapy together: waiting around will basically not fix it by itself

Couples who were stuck and finished couples therapy together became clearly more satisfied with the relationship, and about 70% improved. Couples who just waited on a waiting list basically did not change. But the effect fades: by year 5, about half were still clearly doing well, and about a quarter had separated or divorced.

Moderate value
Evidence A
Saves time
Disputed

Mainland China only 8 tips

These tips describe mainland-China rules and do not apply in the United States; they are here for people living in China.

Look at the registration data before listening to your elders: what the marriage rate and divorce rate actually measure
In 2024, 6,106,000 (610.6万) marriage registrations were made nationwide, 20% fewer than the year before, and 3,513,000 (351.3万) divorces. The claim online that more than half of marriages end in divorce comes from dividing one of these numbers by the other, which gives about 57.5%. But the people divorcing and the people marrying are not the same group, so it can't be read as half of marriages ending in divorce. The marriage rate of 4.3‰ and divorce rate of 2.5‰ in the statistical bulletin are calculated by dividing by the national population.
Look at the legal default rules on money in marriage first, then decide whether to put an agreement in writing
Without a written agreement, the law by default treats wages and bonuses earned after marriage, business and investment income, and inherited or gifted property as owned jointly by the two. Property from before marriage, and property that a will or gift contract says goes to only one side, is personal. The two can agree in writing that each keeps their own, and once signed it is binding. The side who put in more for raising children and caring for older people can ask for compensation at divorce.
When parents put up money to buy a home, state whether it is a loan or a gift at the time of the transfer
When parents pay for a home before marriage, it is by default only for their own child. Money paid after marriage without an agreement is counted as the couple's joint property. Since February 2025, when one side's parents paid the full price after marriage and did not state that it is for their own child only, at divorce the court can award the home to the child of the paying side, and then decide whether to compensate the other side. If you want it counted as a loan, write it out that day and have both sides sign.
A large sum your spouse borrowed alone does not automatically become your debt if you did not sign or ratify it
Money your spouse borrowed behind your back, if it clearly exceeds the family's everyday spending and you neither signed nor acknowledged it afterward, does not automatically become your debt. The creditor has to prove that the money was used for the couple's shared life or shared business. But if money like a home purchase really did turn into a home you live in together or co-own, the other side can often prove that.
To register a marriage you need only an ID card and a signed statement, no household register, no fee, and the certificate is issued on the spot
Since May 2025, registering a marriage takes two things: your own ID card and a signed statement. The statement says you have no spouse and are not direct blood relatives or collateral blood relatives within three generations of the other person. You don't need to bring the household register (户口簿), and you don't have to go back to where one side's household is registered. Registration costs nothing, and the certificate is issued on the spot if the conditions are met.
Count the cost of getting out: an agreed divorce has a 30-day cooling-off period, and a divorce by lawsuit has legal conditions
An agreed divorce is not done when you sign. Within 30 days after the application is filed, either side can withdraw it. When the period ends, the two must go in person within 30 days to collect the divorce certificate, and if they don't, it counts as withdrawn. If the other side does not agree, the only way is to sue. The court mediates first, and unless there is domestic violence, bigamy, or separation for a full two years, and mediation fails, it will not grant the divorce.
Same-sex couples should, while both are of sound mind, set up powers of attorney, consensual guardianship and wills: legally you are not close relatives, and without them you have no right to sign or inherit
Under the law, close relatives (近亲属) are the spouse, parents, children, siblings and the like, and a partner is not included. Without documents prepared in advance, when one is seriously ill the other cannot make decisions for him. When one dies, the other inherits nothing at all. Three documents each cover one stretch: a power of attorney (授权委托) while you are alive, consensual guardianship (意定监护) after you lose the ability to make judgments, and a will after death.
Get the marriage certificate (结婚证) even if you held a wedding and a banquet: without registration you are not spouses in law, and if the other person dies you have no spousal right of inheritance
Holding a wedding without registering the marriage does not make you spouses in law; it counts only as living together. If the other person dies, you cannot inherit their estate as a spouse. If you want to separate, the court does not handle it as a divorce. Registering after the fact solves this, and the effect of the registration counts backward.