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Life Guide U.S. essentials
English

To tell whether someone is interested, look at behavior and not "signals": who initiates, who arranges, who follows up

  • Moderate value
  • Evidence B
  • Saves time
  • Disputed
  • Free
  • Takes minutes
  • Some willpower

In plain words

52 pairs of strangers of the opposite sex chatted for ten minutes or so, and then each judged whether the other was flirting. People were fairly accurate at judging that "the other person is not flirting," but could hardly tell when "the other person is flirting." With 261 people judging from videos, the conclusion was the same. So don't guess from expressions and tone. Look at behavior: who starts things, who arranges the next meeting, and whether the other person follows up when you don't push.

Cost

Free, and it takes little time. The hard part is changing a habit: stop turning over the other person's expressions and tone, and record facts instead.

What you get

Two studies measured how accurately people recognize flirting. In the first, 52 pairs of unacquainted people of the opposite sex talked to each other for 10 to 12 minutes. Afterward each reported whether they had been flirting, and whether they thought the other person had been. The result: "interactions in which no flirting occurred were judged more accurately, while interactions in which flirting occurred were judged worse." The second used 26 one-minute videos judged by 261 observers, with a consistent conclusion. People can fairly reliably see that "the other person is not flirting," but find it hard to see that "the other person is flirting"

Notes

Disputed. Other research holds that it is not that men overestimate women's sexual intent, but that women report their own intent as lower on questionnaires. Who judges more accurately is still unsettled. But both camps agree on one thing: working backward from subtle cues such as expression and tone to what the other person thinks has very low accuracy. Visible behavior is far more reliable: whether the other person initiates, whether they arrange the next meeting, and whether they follow up even when you don't push

Evidence grade
B : Supported by research but without a precise number, or based on small or single studies.
Sources
  1. Hall JA, Xing C, Brooks S (2015). Accurately detecting flirting: error management theory, the traditional sexual script, and flirting base rate. Communication Research, 42(7), 939-958. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650214534972
  2. Perilloux C, Kurzban R (2015). Do men overperceive women's sexual interest? Psychological Science, 26(1), 70-77. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797614555727（争议方）

Translated from the Chinese original. Original book, section 10, tip 3. Content may be out of date and rules differ by place. When you actually deal with an agency, a doctor or a court, follow what local officials, doctors and lawyers tell you. Disclaimer