Whether a relationship is good depends mainly on how you feel in it, not on the other person's credentials

Cost

Free, and it takes little time. The hard part is changing your viewpoint: put away the checklist for choosing a partner and look at how you get along.

What you get

A machine-learning analysis of 43 longitudinal datasets of couples from 29 labs, where longitudinal means following the same couples and recording over time. The items that best predicted relationship quality all came from the person's own feelings about the relationship: perceived commitment from the partner, appreciation, sexual satisfaction, perceived partner satisfaction, and conflict. Among the personal items, the strongest were life satisfaction, negative emotion, depression, avoidant attachment and anxious attachment. At the start of the surveys, these relationship items explained at most 45% of the variance. Variance here means the differences in relationship quality from couple to couple, and 45% is the part those items can account for. By the end of the study they explained at most 18%. Moreover, the predictive power of the "self-reported items" was 2 to 4 times that of the "partner-reported items." Adding individual differences and the partner's reports on top of the self-reported feelings about the relationship added no predictive power

Notes

The same study also found that whether the relationship got better or worse during the study could hardly be worked out from any set of self-rated items in the questionnaires. So to judge whether the current relationship is good, asking about your own feelings is more accurate than checking the other person's list of credentials, but don't expect it to predict what happens later. For the account that links the quality of a relationship with physical health, see §10.17 (treat the quality of a relationship as a health account).

Evidence grade

A : Specific numbers from meta-analyses, large cohorts or randomized trials; for law and policy, the statute or official text.

Sources

1. Joel S, Eastwick PW, Allison CJ, et al. (2020). Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 117(32), 19061-19071. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1917036117

Translated from the Chinese original. Original book, section 10, tip 4. Content may be out of date and rules differ by place. When you actually deal with an agency, a doctor or a court, follow what local officials, doctors and lawyers tell you. Disclaimer