When angry, walk away first, and treat the other person as weather, not as an enemy
- Moderate value
- Evidence B
- Saves time
- Free
- Takes minutes
- Some willpower
In plain words
Looking at what just happened from a different angle, or putting yourself in the other person's position, can both bring the emotion down, and the latter works better. Just not showing the emotion also helps a little; forcing down the feeling inside or forcing yourself not to think about it does nothing. People who punished an offender ended up replaying the incident for longer afterward, while people who did not retaliate moved on faster.
- Cost
-
Free. In the moment you have to hold back from snapping back, turn and walk away, and decide afterward whether to deal with it. This takes a little practice.
- What you get
-
Pooling 306 experimental comparisons (a meta-analysis): reinterpreting what happened from a different angle (cognitive reappraisal) had an effect size on emotion of d = 0.36. Taking the other person's perspective was d = 0.45. Distraction was d = 0.27. Suppressing the outward display of emotion (not showing it) worked, d = 0.32. Forcing down the feeling had no effect (d = -0.04), and forcing yourself not to think about it had none either (d = -0.12). These numbers combine measures of inner feeling, outward expression and bodily response, and the abstract does not separate them. In addition, three experiments showed that people who punished an offender ended up replaying the other person for longer afterward, while those who did not punish moved on faster. People overestimate in advance how satisfying revenge will be.
- Notes
-
The pooled part measured how strong the emotion was, not energy, and the effects are small to moderate. The revenge part rests on just one set of experiments, so it is graded B. The “empty boat” is a parable from the Zhuangzi (庄子), “Shan Mu” (《山木》): you don't get angry when an empty boat bumps into you, but you do when there is someone in it, even though the bump is the same. This is an analogy, not evidence. If you have really suffered a loss, take the legal routes in §8 and §9, which cost far less than blowing up on the spot.
- Evidence grade
- B : Supported by research but without a precise number, or based on small or single studies.
- Sources
-
- Webb TL, Miles E, Sheeran P (2012). Dealing with feeling: A meta-analysis of the effectiveness of strategies derived from the process model of emotion regulation. Psychological Bulletin. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027600
- Carlsmith KM, Wilson TD, Gilbert DT (2008). The paradoxical consequences of revenge. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0012165
Mentioned in
Translated from the Chinese original. Original book, section 3, tip 17. Content may be out of date and rules differ by place. When you actually deal with an agency, a doctor or a court, follow what local officials, doctors and lawyers tell you. Disclaimer